I'll admit it, Reader -

I loved that my husband took me out on our first date and covered the bill.

I loved that he opened up the car door for me, picked out an appetizer he thought we should try, and covered the bill.

But I don't love it because I expected it. I loved it because those were just a few of the many ways in which he authentically demonstrated his interest.

Looking back, knowing what I know now (11 years later), those gestures were just small splashes on a canvas of a much richer painting. There were countless ways both he and I expressed interest, and those gestures continued to build over the weeks and months.

If everything else had been exactly the same, but he had decided to split the first bill for any number of reasons—for example:

• That’s his vision of equality and respect based on his background and values,
• He prefers to get to know someone a bit before covering a meal,
• Or I was the one who asked him on the date…

…it would have been a shame to skip a second date just because of that. Or if he didn’t open the door, or asked me to choose between two restaurants, or anything else that fell outside the “expected” gender role he was “supposed” to play.

Here's the thing: there's nothing wrong with having certain standards, even if they are gender-based.

However, I believe it's essential to challenge ourselves to examine each one and consider its origin, why we hold onto it, and whether it's benefiting our dating lives or causing confusion, disappointment, and frustration.

Things like "the 50/50 split" are heavily debated topics, but I urge you not to consider what's the "right" or "wrong" way to approach dating and relationships (as it's so often discussed).

Rather, you can consider what makes sense to you. Truly.

Consider asking yourself these questions:

• Do my dating expectations match the kind of relationship I actually want?
• If I value equality and partnership, do my early dating standards reflect that?
• Am I dismissing potentially great partners because they don't fit traditional molds that might not even matter to me?

I look forward to hearing your answers, questions, and thoughts.

All the love,

Imani

​​​​​​ Learn how to "Try Less"

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